I recently had a client tell me, after a few sessions, that she was so relieved that I had not told her how she needed to change, or what she should be doing differently. There is nothing wrong with focusing on behavioural changes. However, in my opinion, it may not provide the complete answer and often does not address the root cause of symptoms.
If we assume that you are always in some sort of relationship (with yourself or others), then this would mean that what you call a "problem" is simply a reaction that you are having when faced with a situation that does not give you the outcomes you are looking for.
Often, in the face of such "problems", we tend to ask ourselves the following two questions: What is wrong with me or what is wrong with the situation or the other people involved? This leads to a judgment call and often to strategies that are aimed at controlling our own or someone else's behaviour. If you recognize yourself here, then I should ask: how's this working for you?
As women, our fallback position is often: What is wrong with me? or "What can I DO to fix myself?" What if there is nothing to fix? What if instead of focusing on your behaviour or the behaviours of others, you looked into what created an underlying relationship in a particular situation. Certain behaviour patterns need to be fully examined and experienced so they can generate a transformation from within us. Emotions are simply energy in motion, unless we stop that movement.
So, for instance, if you have the tendency of try and control yourself or others, what feeling are you avoiding by using this strategy? The more you are aware of what drives the behaviours you are trying to change, instead of the behaviours themselves, the more positive the results will be. For instance, in this case, it might be the fear of being rejected, humiliated, failing, being ridiculed, not being worthy, etc. that leads to you being "controlling". Unfortunately, these fears create behaviour patterns that repeatedly generate the same "problems" that we then try to "fix".
If you allow yourself to take a moment, stop, connect within to the underlying truth of your experience, letting that move through you, you will free yourself from what you have been avoiding. Instead of avoidance running you, you take back your power, your energy, and your innate intelligence. You are then able to be more fully present in yourself, to others and in situations that arise. You are better able to make choices that are informed by wisdom and emotional intelligence rather than reacting habitually and acting out. This, in my opinion, is what it takes to BECOME a leader.
If you have any questions and/or comments, don't hesitate. Thank you!
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